There Might be TRIGGERS in here.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I say that it is paved with seemingly innocent things that friends do to you that fuck up your head. At the beginning of this year I decided to blog about every book I read, post pictures that I took on my walks, and then just add whatever I felt should go up here. Then February rolled around and in the course of 20 seconds I went from being me to not being me.
That is a little hard to explain, but I will try. Before February I was only afraid of two things and both have the potential to harm or kill me. One is bees the other is deceleration trauma. After that fateful day in February I became afraid of just about everything. My shadow, driving, shopping, people, work and the list can go on and on. I do not think that I every had full on panic attacks, but I do know that I went from sleeping 5 hours a day to at the most two. I also lost 20 pounds. These are the little things.
On the list of things that I have lost my little items list and my big items list do not begin to compare. The big things that I lost are the ones that hurt. I lost my trust in someone who was to have been my best friend, I lost my confidence, I lost my joy, I lost my safety, and I lost the ability to build the walls that I need to have to be able to do my job.
There is also a list of things that I came close to losing. I almost lost Blue, I almost lost my best friend, and I almost lost my will to live. All from something that someone though of as innocent and fun. Maybe, if I did not have my job I would have seen it that way as well, but I have a job where before I set foot in the building I have to acknowledge that there is the potential for assault and abuse. I expect it at work, it is a reality of anyone who has hands on work with patients. I do not expect it from people who I thought were my trusted best friends.
The good news is that just after a few visits with a therapist I am getting better. I feel a bit more confident, a bit safer. I know that I have more work to do, and that it will be hard but I also know that I can and will do it.