Katzenjammer

Why I Had to Pee in a Cup

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Why did I have to pee in a cup? There is a new policy at work that says if a worker is involved in an occurrence they have to pee in a cup. Now, it does not matter what happens if an incident report is filled out the worker must pee in a cup. That means if I am at work and a ceiling tile falls on my head because we had an earthquake, I have to pee in a cup.

Last week at work, a patient grabbed me around the neck, pulled me to the floor, and so I had to fill out hours of paperwork. OK, it would have only taken an hour if the computer had not frozen up on me twice. It was hours of paperwork.

I finished up my shift, went to the bathroom, and on my way out was told I needed to see the house supervisor. I ran into her on the floor, it was there I was informed that I needed to pee in a cup. SHIT, I had just peed. I told her that I had just gone to the bathroom as I always do before the drive home.  She walked me to lab, then sat there while I drank 4 cups of water to get me to pee. I had a guard, like I was going to do more than sit there and watch the hands on the clock move.

It took an hour and a half before I even felt like I had to pee. The HS kept asking me if I had to go. Not with you asking me all the time I won’t. Then they gave me a cup with the opening the size of a pea, and told me to fill it up. I do not in my spare time practice peeing in cups. I have no aim, they would not give me a funnel.

So into the bathroom with no running water do I go. Pants go down to the floor, leg gets hoisted up so I can reach, and I pee all over my hand. By now I want to swear, and not the polite swear words. I know if I don’t get the pee in the cup I will have to sit there longer with the guard, and drink more water. I am so full of the stuff that I slosh when I walk.  So I try again re-aim, pee, and I get some in the cup. Shit,  only half of what I need. I don’t have to pee anymore and I can’t scoop it out of the toilet as they put blue coloring in there. Please, oh please let me pee more AND get it in the cup. All I want to do by now is wash my hands and go to sleep. Re-aim, pee, check HUZZA!! A full cup.

 Moral of the story: don’t be in an earthquake at work.

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