I Hunt Killers

7766027I Hunt Killers by Barry Lyga was a very interesting book. It is about a boy who’s father is one of the most notorious serial killers in US history.  We are told though flashbacks on how Jazz was raised, and how he uses that to hunt down a killer. Of course being 17 no one believes him until it is to late.  What I liked about this book the most was the psychological take on nature vs. nurture. This book is part of a series as are most books that are coming out now. I have not decided if I want to continue on with them or not.

I would like to know what happens to Jazz as he goes on with his life, but I do not know if I want to take time away from other books that I am reading to find out.

My Struggle with Me

There Might be TRIGGERS in here.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I say that it is paved with seemingly innocent things that friends do to you that fuck up your head. At the beginning of this year I decided to blog about every book I read, post pictures that I took on my walks, and then just add whatever I felt should go up here. Then February rolled around and in the course of 20 seconds I went from being me to not being me.

That is a little hard to explain, but I will try. Before February I was only afraid of two things and both have the potential to harm or kill me. One is bees the other is deceleration trauma. After that fateful day in February I became afraid of just about everything. My shadow, driving, shopping, people, work and the list can go on and on. I do not think that I every had full on panic attacks, but I do know that I went from sleeping 5 hours a day to at the most two. I also lost 20 pounds. These are the little things.

On the list of things that I have lost my little items list and my big items list do not begin to compare. The big things that I lost are the ones that hurt. I lost my trust in someone who was to have been my best friend, I lost my confidence, I lost my joy, I lost my safety, and I lost the ability to build the walls that I need to have to be able to do my job.

There is also a list of things that I came close to losing. I almost lost Blue, I almost lost my best friend, and I almost lost my will to live. All from something that someone though of as innocent and fun. Maybe, if I did not have my job I would have seen it that way as well, but I have a job where before I set foot in the building I have to acknowledge that there is the potential for assault and abuse. I expect it at work, it is a reality of anyone who has hands on work with patients. I do not expect it from people who I thought were my trusted best friends.

The good news is that just after a few visits with a therapist I am getting better. I feel a bit more confident, a bit safer. I know that I have more work to do, and that it will be hard but I also know that I can and will do it.

People of the Book

9780670018215I have wanted to read People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks for a while now. I bought it last year and just let it sit on the shelf and languish away. Then two weeks ago I picked it up and read it in just a few days.

This book is based on the events around the Sarajevo Haggadah. I actually looked up the pictures that are in the Haggadah to see if they are as amazing as described in the book and they are. I would love to go there and see the book in person, or get one of the copies that have been made about the book. I know that is not going to happen as a copy of the book is over $100 used, and I am not sure if I want to go to Sarajevo for any other type of touristy thing.

Back to the book. When I first met the main character I did not like her at all. Then I realized that she is just a part of the story of the book. The true main character is the Haggadah. I know that sounds strange and I might be the only one out there who reads it that way but that is how I see the story being told. The book is broken up into sections the present and the past. One of the stories of the past is based on actual events. The others are supposed based on items found in and on the book. The history in here is amazing I love how much I did not know and how the book makes me want to learn more.

For me in the book was an added bonus. One of the stories in the past has a suggested relationship between two women. Woot!

Rosemary and Rue

rrThis is the first book on my TBR pile for the TBR challenge. After reading my last book I thought that I could do with something a little more lite and fun. While Rosemary and Rue written by Seanan Mcguire is an urban fantasy mystery. It was a fun enjoyable book.

I liked the setting, I love going to San Francisco and reading about the places that I have been makes a book more enjoyable for me. I am not sure what to say about the book that would not give much of the plot away. This book focuses on the mystery and setting up the world for future books to follow. There was not a romance in this volume and I hope that this continues on in the other books. I have started reading many books like this only to have them a book or two in turn into a love story with mystery added as an after thought. I am hoping that this author can keep the focus on the mysteries of the world and not on who is sleeping with who.

So far I am enjoying her characters and her world. I will keep on reading the books as I can find the time.

Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West

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Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy would not have been a book that I would have chosen for me to read. I read this as a group of my friends are starting a book club and this is the first book that had been chosen. Let me explain.

First of all the book should have been easy to find. It was not. For the library copy I was number 45 on the hold list. Now our book club consist of maybe 6 people 9 at that most. So I know that we all were not trying to get the same copy. Secondly the person who picked out this book does not currently live in the US, and he owns his own book. I had to go up to Tacoma to get my copy and then at the book store it was the only one they had. This led me to think “wow this must be some book”.

It was some book alright. I am not one for writing about who did what or spoilers in these reviews that I do. These are about my thoughts and feelings on a book. Nor do I try to write a synopsis of the book, that can be read on Goodreads or other like minded sites. That being said here is what I thought about the book.

I loved the way things were described, I could see and smell the desert. I could feel the heat. The protagonist in the story is the kid, just that the kid. No caps, not a name just the kid. For all of the beauty of the language of the book. I could not get past the fact that there was no character development. It was a book of mostly declarative sentences.

One of the other members of the book club read the book and described it as reading a painting by an impressionist. I never liked them much I always thought they needed glasses. He did really like the book. Give it try if you can find it and let me know what you think.

On Looseing Compassion

When I started out I did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I am still not sure that I am there, there is so much to see and do that limiting ones self to one thing sounds kind of silly. But, that is exactly want I have done. I have fallen into the career trap.

My career is not one that I would have chosen for myself. I was working in a fast food job, saw an add in the paper, and as the one being advertised paid more than what I was making I applied for it, and there was  on the job training. This job was to have been just that a job, not a career. Then life sent in a curve ball that I would not change for the world, and I had to work at what I knew to take care of myself and a kid. So I stayed. I did try to get out a few times but the pay was to good. That is not the only reason. I loved the learning that my job gives to me. There is something new every day. If it is not a new regulation, or a new disease, it is learning something about a person.

I found in this job that there are people out there who are so strong it is amazing what they go through, and all without help unless it is absolutely necessary. They have had to become strong or not make it in this world. I have meet people with out coping skills who I wonder how they survive a trip to the gas station. Everyone, and thing has taught me something. I have learned that the greatest satisfaction is at the end of the day hearing, “I am thankful that you are here.” More than “how much did you get”.

I am loosing it. I am getting angry at people who ask me what their blood pressure is, then when I tell them the number mean nothing. The conversations goes like this.

“What it my blood pressure?”

“125 over 75.”

“Is that good?”

I want to say to them “Why do you ask if the numbers mean nothing to you?” I cannot as that is rude, and not accepted at my job. In the last year I have lost my compassion and I do not think I am going to get it back. To be honest I do not think I want to get it back. How I lost my compassion is not an easy thing to figure out, and I did not even know that it was gone. I knew something was missing but I was not sure what it was until just a few days ago. I was at the craft store and a young health looking person approached me asking if I would help them get some food. My first thought was leave me along, my next was get a life. This is not me not who I am. So I decided to sit down and figure out how I lost my compassion. This is what I came up with.

My job: If I am ill, or in need of help I only have 3 days that I am allowed to take off as sick days. Many of the nursing staff this time of year have colds or kids with colds. Yet, we are required to come into work ill to take care of people.

My Patients: Yes, a lot of them are there because they need us. They have to have surgery or are on iv antibiotics. Then there are the ones that are there because of life choices. The 650lb person who refuses to admit they are a diabetic, and because of that they are going to have to have a foot amputated. I have to try to move this person, to get them to turn in the bed. The person who decided that after partying hard drove home, or attempted to drive home. I have to take care of them the same way I have to care for everyone else. Even though I know the reason the cop is outside that persons door, is because they killed a 5 year old child who was in the other car.

The News: need I say more.

Social Media: This is one that is such a part of everyone’s lives. All of the posts about repost or reblog as someone is missing or “I know you like me is you repost this”. The posts for help, the posts for “I need”.

My job does not offer mental health care for their staff. I think that should be a requirement in health care, I think there should be days where staff are allowed days to know or be recognized that they too are human. I have lost my compassion and I do not care. I will do my job to the best of my training, but I no longer care about your stories. That your cat died, that you grandchild got an A in math class. I no longer want nor will accept your emotional or mental burdens. You are just a warm body that I must keep breathing. If you want compassion, do not look to me. I have lost mine.

2015 TBR Challege

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It is that time again for Adam over at RoofBeanReader to put up the link for the TBR Challenge for 2015. My list is made and it is harder to do than it sounds. The rules (This is a short version for the full list click to Adam’s blog)  are simple the book cannot be a re-read, it has to have a publication date no later than 2013, and you have to sign up with a list of books. My list can be found here. This year I will be reading the books that I have physical copies if before I borrow or buy new ones. In the 2014 challenge I rolled a die to see what book I read and when. That was fun but I would like to start clearing my shelf off before I go after the other books.

I love this challenge I believe that this is my third year in do this one.